Nautical Jokes Page 1 for Boaters and the Nautical at Heart!

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

John and Paul went fishing together for the first time. Paul immediately pulled in a nice 3lb Bass. John was shocked and surprised when Paul grabbed the fish and began to slap him silly with it.

Suddenly Paul broke off the attack and began apologizing profusely. "It's a compulsion I have and I have no control over my actions; I'm so embarrassed", exclaimed Paul.

"Well, you're going to have to get some help and see a psychiatrist", said John, "before I will ever go fishing with you again!"

Six Months later Paul called John and they arranged to go fishing again. Once again Paul quickly caught a small Bass. Grabbing it he once again attacked John slapping him silly with the fish. This time Paul did not stop the attack to apologize. John had to restrain him almost capsizing the boat.

"I thought you were going the see a shrink and get this fixed", yelled John as he held Paul down.

"Oh yes it did", said Paul. "I still have the compulsion, but I have now learned to accept it!"

One man's hobby was fishing. He spent all his weekends on the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed for his red shirt. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we will send the engine."'

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The fisherman accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

An old man and a young man fished together on a regular basis. One day the old man had a jar of peanuts by his side. The young man loves peanuts but the old man did not offer him any. After a time and while the old man was looking the other way, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts. Eventually the young man, feeling guilty, confesses to taking the peanuts. "That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the Peanut M&Ms."

With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "And, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather At the River".

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

Two men struck up a conversation in a hotel lobby. Both felt a quick friendship growing. The first man said, "would you like to go into the bar, have a drink and a fine cigar?" "No thanks", replied the other," I tried drinking once and didn't like it. I also tried smoking once and didn't like it either". "That's fine", said the first man, "listen, I have some time and the ocean is nearby let's rent a boat and go do some fishing". "No, I tried boating once but didn't like it. I also tried fishing once. I didn't catch anything and didn't like it", explained the other. "However, my son will be along soon and I'm sure he would like to go fishing." The first man looked at his new acquaintance and remarked, "Your only son, no doubt!"

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate; " it was me first day with the hook."

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and, mistaking him for John stated, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat said, "HECK NO! In fact I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. She was all shriveled up and she smelled like old fish. She was losing water. She just couldn't handle life any longer. I'll just have to find me a better one. I'm glad to be rid of her." That's when the old woman fainted!

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

The following is supposedly a documented conversation between the USS Lincoln and a Canadian "vessel".

Canadian: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. "

A man fell overboard from his little boat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up. -"Jump in, we'll save you" - they screamed. -"No" - cried the drowning man, - "God will save me". The scene was repeated twice and then a helicopter hovered over the man. -"We came to rescue you" - yelled the pilot. -"No, God will save me" - was the response again. The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus. -"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?! ""Hey!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter".

The Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the radio operator into the microphone. Finally a faint reply crackled over the static: "I'm executive vice president of First Global Bank - please hurry!"

No one in the town could catch as many fish as Paul. The game warden asked him how he did it. Paul told the game warden that he would be happy to take him fishing the next day.

Once they got to the middle of the lake Paul took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating. Paul took out a net and scooped up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal and that, as much as he hated it , he had to arrest him!

Paul took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said, "are you going to talk or fish?!"

Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday present. Henderson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of stock, he phoned the local sporting goods store. When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked what was so funny. "They transferred my call," Henderson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and what I did in them was my business."

"Mommy, can I swim out to where the waves are breaking?" asked the little girl. The mother shook her head no firmly. "Pleeease?" she begged. "Daddy's swimming out there." "I know, darling, but he's insured".

The city slicker was fishing with a fancy new rod and all the latest lures, but hadn't had a nibble by lunchtime. Adding to his irritation was the fact that a farm boy in a rowboat not far away had pulled in a number of good-sized bass. They quit about the same time, and the man couldn't help asking the farm boy. "You caught all those fish with that old stick - and a bent pin for a hook?" he croaked disbelievingly. "What's your secret?" The boy shrugged and hitched up his overalls. "I guess I just keep myself out of sight."

"I finally snapped," the man said. "Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof." "What did you do?" asked his friend. "I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift." "Did it help?" "I'll say. Tomorrow we're selling my golf clubs and fishing equipment."

The fishing party was hopelessly lost in the deep woods. The sun was going down and the mosquitoes starting to bite when one of the fishermen growled, "I thought you said you were the best damn guide in Minnesota." "Oh I am," replied the guide firmly, "but I'm pretty sure we're in Montana by now."

The determined angler staggered up to the counter with an arm load of the latest gear. As the cashier was ringing up the total, which came to several hundred dollars, he sighed and commented, "You know, you could save me an awful lot of money if you'd just start selling fish here."

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